I have been singing for as long as I can remember. But the past two weeks have seen me go through a metamorphosis. I always knew I could never be without music. And active performance.

Some people thought that I sing because mom tells me to and I wouldnt do it otherwise. Becos she always had to remind me to practise. And I did it. And I didnt several times. After a point mom let go. Knowing I would come round eventually.

And now I know what it is all about. Mom has given me a foundation in music few can dream of and has chosen to be the candle for me to be the light. I have met people who have wanted to sing in the middle of the night, in the middle of the road. Just because the ambience was perfect. I almost used to die of embarassment. Now I know how that feels. To want to sing not because you are playing to an audience. But because you really want to. And after a point in time you cant survive if you dont. Its not that I have not wanted to sing in these many years. I thrived in it. But now I feel as if I have shifted to a different level. Where I am longing to seek. To search and to look for God in it. And that after a while I am not the one singing, its HE who makes me. He who makes it all happen. And now I realize that actually being a part of music is very humbling. When you meet different people, hear them sing, perform, talk.... you know where you actually stand. And somewhere the shift to a true sadhaka happens. I have read several times, heard several times, people talking about music being an ocean, and great masters saying that they are not even a drop. Though I understood the grammar then, its taken me this long to understand the essence. Sometimes tears just start flowing when I listen to music. Sometimes when I sing. And usually when I listen to someone else. I cant stop them from happening... its like a dam burst open. And when that happens I feel as if that is when I want to be engulfed in light and become nothing. I feel fluid .. and thereafter you just want to stay... dont wanna eat .. dont wanna drink dont wanna move. Even batting your eyelids is laborious. .... actually I dont know... when people say music is a spiritual experience its bang on. There was a time when I didnt wanna practise. Because then it was a task. And for the past two weeks, I am in a tearing hurry to sing... other times I am singing in my mind. meditating on it. I crave to learn more... to fill this empty vessel. Now seeking out is almost an obsession.'obsession' as such is a scary word to use but for now I cant think of a better expression.

I am like anyone else. Laughing, being crazy, doing the usual stuff. But my insides have shifted. My vision has changed. My outlook to music is different. And now I sing for the sake of singing. I feel as if my journey towards sadhana has started. Its taken this long. I have tried mom's patience. All that. And now, mom sees the change in me. I have been wondering, for ages as to what I am looking for. What is missing. And I realize now that it is this.

I look, I search, I seek, I run after. And God willing, I shall find.

Jab seene mein dard ho aansoon ko roken kaise?
Jab dhuan uthe, aag ko chupaayen kaise?