Thursday, February 21, 2013

Ellipses 2

I sometimes think our grandparents are perhaps more progressive and open minded than we are. Inspite of the "lack of exposure" that people of our generation sympathize them with, I see that generation more accepting of new ideas and views than people closer to my age. This film, Vicky Donor has a dialogue to that effect. Ayushman's character says, only the Metro and his 'biji' are modern in all of Delhi.

A lady who has been like a mother to mom, mom's moral support during a difficult phase in Bombay and someone who for me has been 'ammamma'. I am guilty of not having met her in quite a while now. I could say "she lives 20 kms away from where I currently live" but that's no excuse really. Mom and I met her a couple of days ago and she asked me "are you still alive?":) 

Her own grandchildren, when they were barely 4 or 5 years old, used to get into a tiff with me in possessiveness, if ammamma said I am the first grandchild. They'd say "No she is not" and start crying and physically attempt to push me away. The twin boys are now about to finish school. 

Invariably the topic of marriage did come up and when as we left, she applied kumkum on my forehead and mom's. Mom had to say at that appropriate time "seekrama kalyanam pannikka sollungo" (Ask her to get married soon) To which ammamma replied, "there is absolutely no need or hurry. And that things are very weird and scary these days and it is imperative that Chinmayi should be happy than get her married off just because people say so". 

I just couldn't help smiling at the way she pragmatically put her point across. Mom did loudly protest, of course, but ammamma was clearly on my side. ;)

Not that I have anything against the concept or idea of marriage but I see no reason for doing it just because a whole lot of people tell me that it is high time I did or tell me that its terrible to lead a life alone. 

I am seeing a lot of married people who live together yet alone. Someone said rather be alone single than be alone married. I also know some very happily married couples and some of them decided not to have children. They believe there is no need to bring children into such a terrible world and the reason that children will take care of us in our old age is not a valid argument.

In the past few years I have heard people being extremely insensitive to the point of being crass in 'well meaning' advice. One man said "how much longer are you going to keep earning like this and not marry?"
There were times that I would want to retort but mom would make eyes at me to keep quiet. "Yaar yaar vaaylayo vizhadhe" she'd say. Simply put, these are people who really, honestly don't matter. Some people are moulded/fashioned to be insensitive. Why split our hair after all? In such instances she also taught me to just nod head, smile and not say anything. I have seen some people so easily say "anubhavicha/kashtapatta dhaan puriyum" just like that. How vehemently a curse comes from some people just because you might disagree with their PoV.

And there are people like ammamma who has reprimanded me and taken my side as the situation may deem fit, over the years.

From friends and elders and others I seem to have learned one basic thing. Always, always listen to your gut instinct. Especially when it comes to marriage. If something tells you, rather shouts at you to not do it, just don't. No matter what. I know friends who have told me, I wish I'd had the guts to listen to my instinct when it kept telling me not to marry/be with someone. Because at that point they had no valid argument to put forth except that "I am having a bad feeling about this".

A friend also said, one is never really ready to marry. You just need to do it at some point.

Ours is a culture that says "get married. Everything will become alright". I also realize there is no formula to this thing. Maybe it is luck.

Until it is time for me to find out, which will happen when it has to, I'm liking my carefree life of having have to ask only my mother for permission to make a trip somewhere ;)


Anonymous said...

Such an insightful post. You must only be in your twenties, but Iam amazed by your maturity and clarity in thoughts. I can so relate to some of the lines that you have written to my own life as Iam going through a difficult phase currently. Thanks for writing.

Akila said...

One of my Cousin Sister used to envy me for a carefree life I lead when I was single. I didnot understand her words then, now I really understand her words. And also me being a straight forward person just like you I end up always in trouble. No matter what, remain the person you are Chinmayi. There will always be someone who will love you for what you are rather than what you have to be. Good things come to those who wait. You deserve a wonderful life. And for now how much I envy your Single life :-) Sigh
Go rock Chinmayi!

Anusha said...

I can completely empathize with you on this particular topic as i am going through exactly the same phase in life. It must be more pronounced for you as you are a celebrity and people associate everything u do with fame and money and every tom and harry will go about giving you advice. I am on the threshold of 30 and that adds to the pressure cos girls need to get married soon and get settled in life. Whoever said marriage = settling, i have no idea. I too dont believe marriage should be done for the sake of not being alone in life. I am too at this point enjoying my carefree like where i have to take permission just from my parents to go or do something i want too.

Decide on anything when you have to and enjoy and live your life. I wish you be just as strong and happy as you are all your life, however it takes you

Ananth said...

Wonderfully written Chinmayi..follow your heart and your instinct, things will work out and chips will fall where they may! You live only once don't do things for other's sake. You are a smart intelligent girl, I am sure you'll make the right decision at the right time! I thought I made the right decision, choosing the right girl ..but didn't work out..once bitten twice shy..having been in US for the past twenty years or so..still couldn't digest the loss..and decided to be single..take your time and don't get pressurized..don't compromise for any are too smart.,to fall in this trap! God bless! Ananth..

Pavithra said...

Well said chinmayi. I had a argument with a X today. when the topic of marriage cum, i said i am happy with what i am now, will think of marriage when its necessary. The response came from her was its the nature of today girls. i have come across ppl who say sambaathikkira thimuru. When i was about to reply to it out of anger, my mom used to say dont talk. There were days when i was frustrated by the ppl who ask ask n ask abt my marriage. i always feel why they should worry abt my marriage in which there is nothing for them to do with. if came to know abt a colleague marriage, den all the attention of my colleagues turn towards me and my marriage. irritable one at times. sometimes i avoided attending functions to avoid attention of people.

back to ur post, what u blog abt is the thought of every gal today, whether married or unmarried. thanks you for the post.

Anonymous said...

Hi Chinmayi,

Glad to stumble across your blog. *Big fan*

And yes, my ammamma is very progressive too, I think old age really brings maturity.

When my mom was really scared to let go of me when I wanted to move to another country it was she who said I should go follow my dreams.

And, it doesn't matter what other people say. It's up to one to decide when and whom they decide to get married to.

Take your time, Good luck and keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Marriage, like u said u need to have tat gut feeling. Also It can happen anytime, thrs no timeline to get married. But on the other hand thr is timeline to have kids. If u really want to have kids u can't wait forever (althou u don't need to b married for tat)
Speaking frm experience we women face a lot of medical issue while having kids after a certain age. Freedom n carefree life is always gr8 but who's to say u wont have tat after marriage. Marriage is not always a prison sentence :)
It only depends on who u choose to b ur partner...

Maya said...

You are right Chinmayi. If you dont feel right, just dont marry for the sake of it. I fell into that trap of getting older and should be married atleast by the late twenties. I wasnt very happy because I made the decision for my mother and not for me. Till now, I have really not been so happy because it was forced on me. Ofcourse it was my decision, but a marraige changes everything. I have completely changed and I am not liking it 1%. I was this carefree, no negative thinking and honest person until marriage. After marraige, you cannot afford to be honest when you have a pretending mother in law and people who believe her pretensions, than your honest intensions. I never hated anyone before marraige, but now, I could count a few that I like in my family. I am not allowed to monetarily support my family, nor make any decisions with respect to finances, though I am expected to work and earn money. The strangest thing was, when my husband and in laws were upset that I didnt save the earnings that I had pre-marraige. I have been called a fool, a traitor and what not. All for the money. And I cannot stop thinking, why the hell did i marry, which gives me no happiness, seperates me from my mother and sister and makes me feel alone all the time. I realise its because I didnt wait for the right decision, I just wanted to listen to everyone about teh age factor when it comes to marraige. Marraige is a beautiful thing yes, but if you want to be happy, wait for the right person and the time you feel right.

Vidya said...

When our real well wishers/ loved ones ask us to marry - it is because they want us to find someone worthy enough to spend our life with when they are not here to look after us. If gives them happiness if they know we are happy after marriage. But happiness in marriage is based on luck/ karma/ thalavidhi/ our own yardstick for happiness.