Carry me

dear stream over a small winding path
carry me
gently over jagged rocks and moss
Un-entangle me from the roots
of the woodland tree
carry me
away from a hand that seeks me
carry me
away even as I bask in the spotlight of a under a sunray
carry me
away from the ships on a voyage
carry me
away closer to a horizon
carry me
away, farther away from mighty civilizations
carry me
away, unbeknownst to me into the surging sea
carry me
away to ride on a wave
carry me
away closer to a dawning sun
carry me away
from raging storms
carry me away
like the dusky dream
carry me away
wee as I am
Carry me away
Buoyed as I am by hope
Carry me away gently
For I am but a paper boat.

I stand...

in the eye of a storm. Surrounded by walls of thunder. I see dark grey all around me. Streaks of lightning. Desperate, I look up. To see a seemingly calm sky. Drops of water fall gently on my face, tracing paths streaked by tears. Somewhere do sweet rain and bitter tears mingle... disappearing to a nowhere. 

Rooted do I stand. In the midst of a paradox. Serenity encapsulated in mayhem, silence walled by claps of thunder. Rooted do I stand trying to hang on to the calm around me, despite the walls closing in. Deafened do I stand, unable to tell, if it is because of the thunder applauding so hard or the column of silence right above.

My heart races and blood sprints through my veins. And then, in a single epiphanic moment does it dawn on me....Just like the sunlight that chose to part the curtains of clouds and peek through... that storms raged within and not without. And the silence I ought to seek wasn't on the outside but within. 

All I see now is the silent, peaceful drizzle on a ravaged ground. Sunlight courses through. 

There is a light within. As there is light without.

A blank page

and I begin writing. With a quill. My fingers and nails stained in cobalt blue. A blue that has bled deep into my fingertips. My fingers move, forming shapes and curves, dots and dashes...forming words. Guided by a force called the heart... perhaps. Once in a while the quill stops. To dip in and write again. And then, there is a blotch of blue. A blotch that spreads into several pores of the paper, washing over a word or two on separate lines. The blotch seems to make a couple of lines meaningless. Or perhaps, they didn't have much meaning earlier either. But I followed the dictates of my heart. My fingers wrote on, guided for what seemed like an eternity. On and on I write, I believe. In my mind I had written reams, while, in reality, I had barely filled a solitary sheet. I dip the quill again. This time the pot of ink spills over. On all the words I had written. The paper is soaked. Little by little do I see my words and the intervals of ivory turning into a brilliant cobalt blue.. I watch, while the ink carries my words along, dripping on to the hard stone floor. A short journey that was, from paper to the floor. My words now rest in peace. So many of them. Or maybe, not so many. Completely contained in a few drops of cobalt blue, as they were before. More so now. And like a scar will the stain remain, containing and reminding me of words that once were, neatly arranged, on a piece of paper. 

The Marie Claire 2013 Influencers List

I have been featured in the list as one among 25 women from all over India. 

The women featured in this list are terrific achievers and I now have a few more women to look up to after this article. 

For now, I am grateful and humbled for the graces of God :)

Another dream come true :)

For a long while there was a dream that I had, to conduct the Kanabhishekam of my mother.

A Kanabhishekam is typically done by the Great Grandson for his Great Grandparents. It usually culminates with the Ayush homam of the Great Grandson. It is a beautiful, solemn ceremony where the Great Grandparents have a ceremony similar to a Sashtiabdapoorthi or a Sataabhishekam. However, an abhishekam is also done with gold coins, of a certain denomination to be distributed to all the children in the family. The gold that is given from a Kanabhishekam is saved for posterity with the family and is never given away or sold.

Similarly, a Sishya - a disciple - can also do the same to the Guru.Which is the route I took. I have been trying convince my mother for years, who said that the society would criticize if she let me do something like this. I, for one, have always been someone who never really cared much about what society would think, especially in cases like this. Where it is an expression of respect and devotion to my mother and Guru.

We had extremely few people, friends, who are more like family without whom conducting this event would have been impossible, all by myself.

To protect the privacy of those who attended the ceremony I am sharing only pictures that have mom and I.

I realized most people do not know what a Kanakaabhishekam is and I am sharing this because I want everyone to know that there is a special ceremony like this and I urge you, to honour your parents/Gurus thus, if you can and if God wills it.

The photographs are taken by Third Eye Prakaash.

A new year

Starts tomorrow. A lot of people have been saying that this year shall be good, harbinger of good times and positivity. For everyone's sake, especially for those who say kali muththi pochu a lot, I wish it is the start of better times.

Personally, the past few months, though peppered with some good times here and there, have mostly been tough and in some instances harrowing. Perhaps my mom and I took some special boon to meet some ridiculous people and to land ourselves in situations so bizarre that most people would gawk to hear our accounts. But as a friend's dad told me some experiences, including the one where landlord asks me to marry his son and convert to his religion, are learning experiences. These are times we think enough of learning experiences lord.

Tomorrow signals a new beginning and I look forward once again with hope. After all as somebody said, when the mind says give up, it is hope that whispers, "try again".

But I do count my blessings. I have a great mom, I am healthy. Everything else is perhaps a matter of time. I am grateful for everything that has come my way, the lovely people who are with us at all times... Actually the recent past has shown us people who genuinely care. And that is priceless.

To you, the reader, I wish you good health. Everything else can be built if you are in prime health. I wish you prosperity. I wish you as much money as you would like. I wish you travel that enriches your being. I wish you lovely friends. I wish you a lovely, united family. I wish you love. I wish you peace and I wish you joy and contentment.

God bless. If you are an Atheist, I wish you be engulfed in positivity.

Tamizh puththaandu vaazhthukkal. And a happy Vishu. 

Burning embers

There are so many times that some people tell me (including a gentleman I used to have a huge respect for, who said Carnatic Music only is "gauravam" and that film music isn't) to sing more Carnatic music. I was awarded the CCRT scholarship when I was either 9 or 10 for Carnatic music and I was predominantly trained in this classical form. My mom's has learned from Dwaram Mangathayaramma, Smt D K Patammal and doyens like Sri K V Narayanaswamy, Sri V Krishnamurthy, Smt R Vedavalli, Sri Tiruppampuram Shanmukhasundaram while she was in Carnatic Music College.

After mom shifted from Bombay to Chennai in 1990 because she couldn't give me the time she wanted to, in teaching and otherwise, if she continued in Bombay, we shifted to Chennai. My grandparents were here and it was easier on them to shunt between my aunt's house and ours.

Mom taught me for hours each day and in between she was involved in a couple of projects. During this time was I sadly saw the darker side of some musicians who were revered, celebrated and deified. I saw how my mom's work, Aalaap that she initially did for Aurobindo Society - a glossary on Indian Classical Music (released more than 10 years after the project was completed), was plagiarized in front of her eyes before Aurobindo Society could release it. 10 years is a long time :)

I saw how the musicians who worked with my mom on her project, told my mother that, X was copying her work. Verbatim. Nothing a single woman could do. She had no 'power'. No influence.

I saw mom go through blow after blow, threat after threat to be the ghost writer for musicians who wanted to tour the world and take the name while she would have to script, train and do everything behind the scenes - for neither credit nor financial compensation.  Somehow despite all the strong arm tactics mom received the Senior Fellowship from Dept of Culture, Govt of India on Temple Traditions and Culture. And we survived.

And then one day, a not so fine day for mom, I turned to her and said I shall no longer sing Carnatic music. She was shattered. Definitely. But she let me choose my music and found ways to teach me Hindustani Classical. I went to on win the First prize in Ghazal in 2000 when I was 15 from All India Radio. And the silver for Hindustani Classical music in 2002 (or 2003. Not sure of the year).

One of the greatest reasons for my not singing Carnatic Music remains a man who happens to be a grandfather. Lauded as a genius. Guru of Gurus. Musician of Musicians. It was a sense of both anger and pride that I shall not draw anything from his 'glorious' name to be what I am today. Incidentally when he died, they had to keep talking about me and claim that I belonged to that lineage. It was quite an irony. Karma works in strange ways. :) Every once in a while my mother would remind me of my duty and say that I must meet him and all that. The last time I did his advise "artistes should not marry" and said "I suggest you not marry". Quite a blessing that ;)

Incidentally, he had a love marriage :) In the 1950-s I shall presume. His wife was also a musician and was originally from Trichy. Mom says I have taken after a lot in some of the work that I do. I heard she was an excellent artiste and an outstanding cook.

Of course there is no question about this man's genius or his capacity. But no matter what his genius, he cannot hold a candle to my grandad Tirumalai Iyengar, as a human being. Anyway I hope Mr Musical Genius' soul will rest in peace.

But an even greater reason was the fact that I had seen and met so many Carnatic musicians who were terrible human beings that I realized I would never be able to do a namaskaram. Or praise them. I would have had to, if I had become a mainstream Carnatic musician. 

After these amazing musical greats buried my mom's career she devoted herself to training me. 

And I went into a field where their venomous influence could not reach or perhaps God decided to intervene, even if they did. 

An industry where I have found more compassionate, better human beings and creators than I have met in the Carnatic Music industry. An industry which respected women like mom and I. And I have had the most dignified, lovely career here.

So I talk about my mother. Write about her. And shall continue to. And this is also why I keep saying, whenever I win an award, that Rahman sir/Mani sir giving me an opportunity in Kannathil Muthamittal was like the light at the end of an extremely dark tunnel. A tunnel where every light was the light from an oncoming train. 

Is life easy now? Definitely not. But it's good, whatever the trials and tribulations. For many of us life is about swimming against the current most of the time. Advantage would be, we'd have super strong arms, legs, cardiovascular health. And toned bodies. Good only, no?

And to you the reader, I wish for you that you never have to endure the life that my mother endured and that you never see your mother suffer as I had to. Did I tell you how many times I have heard 'master musicians'  suggest suicide is the only way out for us? No? OK. That will be a different story for another day. 

Enough for today.

P.S.: I did start writing about mom earlier on this blog. It was quite haphazard with dates being all over the place. There has to be a difference between professional, cohesive writing and blogging by me no? :p 

I ll shall soon start a separate blog chronicling whatever she wants the world to know about perhaps in a slightly better fashion. I have no idea how to write a biography though.

Organizations I support

I'd like to introduce 17000ft Foundation run by Sujata Sahu.Read up about them here http://17000ft.org/ I intend to volunteer this summer. Sujata left the corporate world to help educate kids in Ladakh. Sujata and her organization was introduced to me by Prasanto who is a Green evangelist. Tech writer, analyst, and is Building India's 1st TERI GRIHA green home. http://bit.ly/Green1HT2

I intend to help Sujata help raise funds for http://17000ft.org/ this year and in the future. If you can donate/volunteer, please do.

From the beginning of my career I have raised funds for so many charities which would usually mean singing for free that I started joking if I all the concerts I do are without payment, I ll soon have to do a concert for the cause of Chinmayi ;)

I have been and shall continue to be associated with a couple of organizations that are introduced to me by friends/family I know and trust.

Sujata needs to raise funds for the kids in Ladakh and I shall be helping her in my own small capacity. If you would like to donate / help raise the funds her organization needs via social media / volunteer please be in touch with them.

Another organization that I have been supporting, that helps kids and tribal women in and around Bhopal, Madhya Pradesh is Ahambhumika. I came to know about Ahambhumika through Gul Panag. http://ahambhumika.org/

Do help or volunteer as you may deem fit and please help spread the word.

Thanks in advance.

Finding a rental accommodation in Chennai

for mom and I has been an experience. Throughout our lives. More so after I became "Filim singer". 

I have been itching to write about the kinda questions mom and I have been facing in singaara, culture-protecting Chennai for a while now (especially after the demise of my grandparents, so lets say, 10 years), but for some reason held back. 

All through my childhood life had been in Adyar/Besant Nagar. Mom never really exposed me to the cruel and insensitive questions that landlords might ask a single woman and a daughter. But I got to know, when we decided my back was breaking driving from Adyar to Kodambakkam and Saligramam, where all the studios were sometimes, up and down, sometime twice in the same day. I'd have just reached home, to get another call for a recording and off I'd go driving the 15 kms to and fro. 

From a no-nonsense area to right in the middle of West Mambalam, because mom suddenly thought it'd be nice to live in an area surrounded by temples and all that. Was a very bad idea, coz we had never really been exposed to a typical area like West Mambalam and with "Maama enna panraaaeerr?" kinda questions. In fact mom hates it if someone calls her Maami.

West Mambalam was also the first time I was introduced to the concept of nosy neighbours. I would have kids come and ask my mom/me, who was that family who came in xyz car, wearing these clothes and had lunch with you and left at 4PM after spending x number of hours? are they relatives?" Clearly this kid was probably asked by his parent to find out :) Also was the first time I knew kids are trained by their parents to find out information from adults in such a manner or to go eavesdrop. (Yes, I know of parents who quietly send their kids to play around other adults who might be discussing something and come back to report on what was spoken of. Gossiping is inculcated in our culture :))

Shortly thereafter we realized West Mambalam was not our kinda area and that the divine temple romance was left behind and off we went into Saligramam. We lived in this house for almost 8 years and had the best ever, God-landlord who was actually a distant relative. After a point, once again, Saligramam to city was becoming tough. None of my friends would ever visit :p coz it was too far away. I was missing too many weddings/events coz I was too tired to drive. And with Arcot Road becoming a darn mess, it was becoming difficult for me to arrive anywhere on time. And I have an OCD issue with that. Driving with my feet on the brakes all the time wasn't my idea of fun driving. 

Cut to the next house in Nelson Manickam Road. The house is beautiful. The landlords live downstairs. Now everything was fine, until the landlord asked me to - 1. Marry his son and 2. Convert to his religion. All within a month of moving in here. I shall refrain from naming which religion because I don't think that would be polite. He says his son must learn how to be hardworking from me and that I am a very good girl. And hence I must marry him :p 

I am telling you, I get into some of the most unreal, ridiculous situations.

So off we go again looking for a house. Here are the questions that we heard from prospective landlords

1. Will you be back home by 9PM latest?

Because all the neighbours are elderly and they want no disturbance in the building. Disturbance isquolto opening lock, opening door and closing door quietly. 

I don't understand how many young people in their 20-s come back home at/before 9 PM. So if we rented this house, I guess mom and I are not allowed to watch a late-night film. 9PM curfew you see. I wonder if they think it's a hostel or a house they are renting. :p

2. Who will visit you?

What they also ask is will Directors/Actors visit you? If you work in the film industry and make any acquaintance, you peers are not allowed to visit you, coz you know, all that people in the film industry can do is hanky-panky all the time :p 

3. We will keep one set of keys with us. 

This was one thing that we were laughing about the most. Why would a landlord want to keep one set of keys for a house rented out to us, beats me. When I told a friend that the landlord said this, she said "Tell them OF COURSE. Only that when you guys go out and return, the house must be spotlessly clean, each day".

4. Will you sing? 

Err. I am a singer. I will have to practice, no? Oh that's not allowed? Ok. Thank God I don't tell people I am a trained Odissi dancer and learnt both Kathak and Odissi. :p (I can almost hear another landlord that I might meet in my near future scream)

5. Why did your father leave you? Where is he now? What is he doing? 

I think "Where is my father now" and "what is he doing" are two questions, the answer of which we both haven't really known and thereafter, wanted to know for almost 26 years. Why would anyone else want to know?

Is your father married to someone else? : No

Affair- a? : Not that I know of. 

Why? : I don't know. (Here I feel like saying I will give you his phone number. Please ask him why he didn't date/have an affair with anyone else after the divorce, etc. etc. etc)

6. How much do you get paid per song?

Here I would like to tell them, would you also like credit card statements, bank account statements service tax and tax papers too? 

Did I also tell you that all us people don't get paid for all these TV appearances on every show that you might see? Everytime I appear on TV the neighbours/watchmen and everyone else believe we'd have made quite a bit. Please also know that there are some gullible people who believe that if a newspaper writes about us, we are paid for the interview :p

7. You are only two people. Why do you need a big house? 

I have never understood this question either. So what if we are two people? We are expected to live in a cubby-hole?

[I have also not understood (this includes some relatives) why people criticize others who live in style or with some sophistication. Cannot only. Why? No need, they'll say. What does one earn money for after all? To have the lifestyle that you aspired to have na? So why not go ahead and live the life you want? OK that is another post]

We have a tendency to collect antique and artistic furniture and we have only about 3000 books. Some of the books are at least a couple of centuries old, that my mom has managed to maintain inspite of all our moving about. And I keep adding to the collection. Some people also don't know how much space some 50 pairs of shoes need ;) Plus my baking obsession .. oh actually my list is very long. We need a room for the library/study, thank-you-very-much. I guess the concept of having a den/study is lost on a lot of people.

Somehow mom and I, because of the kinda family we hailed from and from the heydays, we unfortunately cannot shake off, the, well, a certain class or style in the way we have basically inherited. Unfortunately Chennai and a lot of its landlords don't understand that.

Why don't we own a place yet? We dont. That's all. And a lot of investment gurus told us that it is a total waste of money to invest in a place in Chennai for the kinda space/locality that we might be happy in and we were advised to rent only and told to invest differently.

Yes I know some really nice people who leased their houses to some terrible tenants and are petrified with the experience that they might as well have the place under lock and key than rent it. 

So right now, story of our lives is to find a nice place so that I am not reminded every week by landlord on the importance of converting to save his ancestors who have attained heaven, from the sin of having a Hindu Daughter in law. I have only tried to tell the family No a few times. 

After reading this post, usual stalker will now send me a mail, as he usually does, Marry Me Chinmayi. I will protect you from all these people. Ppppah. I tell you. How all people will say "Oru Kalyanam pannikko, ellam seri aagidum" Like they say, from frying pan to blazing fire ;)

Watch this space. I might actually add some more bizarre questions that we are asked ;)

Ellipses 2

I sometimes think our grandparents are perhaps more progressive and open minded than we are. Inspite of the "lack of exposure" that people of our generation sympathize them with, I see that generation more accepting of new ideas and views than people closer to my age. This film, Vicky Donor has a dialogue to that effect. Ayushman's character says, only the Metro and his 'biji' are modern in all of Delhi.

A lady who has been like a mother to mom, mom's moral support during a difficult phase in Bombay and someone who for me has been 'ammamma'. I am guilty of not having met her in quite a while now. I could say "she lives 20 kms away from where I currently live" but that's no excuse really. Mom and I met her a couple of days ago and she asked me "are you still alive?":) 

Her own grandchildren, when they were barely 4 or 5 years old, used to get into a tiff with me in possessiveness, if ammamma said I am the first grandchild. They'd say "No she is not" and start crying and physically attempt to push me away. The twin boys are now about to finish school. 

Invariably the topic of marriage did come up and when as we left, she applied kumkum on my forehead and mom's. Mom had to say at that appropriate time "seekrama kalyanam pannikka sollungo" (Ask her to get married soon) To which ammamma replied, "there is absolutely no need or hurry. And that things are very weird and scary these days and it is imperative that Chinmayi should be happy than get her married off just because people say so". 

I just couldn't help smiling at the way she pragmatically put her point across. Mom did loudly protest, of course, but ammamma was clearly on my side. ;)

Not that I have anything against the concept or idea of marriage but I see no reason for doing it just because a whole lot of people tell me that it is high time I did or tell me that its terrible to lead a life alone. 

I am seeing a lot of married people who live together yet alone. Someone said rather be alone single than be alone married. I also know some very happily married couples and some of them decided not to have children. They believe there is no need to bring children into such a terrible world and the reason that children will take care of us in our old age is not a valid argument.

In the past few years I have heard people being extremely insensitive to the point of being crass in 'well meaning' advice. One man said "how much longer are you going to keep earning like this and not marry?"

There were times that I would want to retort but mom would make eyes at me to keep quiet. "Yaar yaar vaaylayo vizhadhe" she'd say. Simply put, these are people who really, honestly don't matter. Some people are moulded/fashioned to be insensitive. Why split our hair after all? In such instances she also taught me to just nod head, smile and not say anything. I have seen some people so easily say "anubhavicha/kashtapatta dhaan puriyum" just like that. How vehemently a curse comes from some people just because you might disagree with their PoV.

And there are people like ammamma who has reprimanded me and taken my side as the situation may deem fit, over the years.

From friends and elders and others I seem to have learned one basic thing. Always, always listen to your gut instinct. Especially when it comes to marriage. If something tells you, rather shouts at you to not do it, just don't. No matter what. I know friends who have told me, I wish I'd had the guts to listen to my instinct when it kept telling me not to marry/be with someone. Because at that point they had no valid argument to put forth except that "I am having a bad feeling about this".

A friend also said, one is never really ready to marry. You just need to do it at some point.

Ours is a culture that says "get married. Everything will become alright". I also realize there is no formula to this thing. Maybe it is luck.

Until it is time for me to find out, which will happen when it has to, I'm liking my carefree life of having have to ask only my mother for permission to make a trip somewhere ;)

Ellipses 1

Are you someone who has sometimes been made to feel guilty just because you are 'running after money'? More so if you are a woman? 

Often times I find people who seem to have a knack of bringing you down if you are doing well for yourself in some sphere *and* are happy in your own space. 

When I see advise being doled out to others (I am usually not at the receiving end) I usually observe the person who is advising and the person who is at the receiving end. Sometimes I have seen such 'advice' which goes down to allege that the other is actually leading quite a 'worthless' life, all in the opinion of the advisor, of course. 

There are some who are strong enough to take all that with a bag of salt even though if this advise comes with a curse or two ("if you don't stop running after success/career/money you are going to suffer ... " you know, you get the drift) And there are some who do get influenced by all this.

I was staying over with friends a couple of weeks ago when I was traveling. Soon we were talking about a lot of things including the Delhi incident. My friends husband, A, said that the average man today is very threatened by the woman who is educated, comes from rural areas to the cities and finds financial independence. He doesn't know how to handle this woman who is no longer is turning to him, from under a veil, to ask "When will you give me the permission to walk the several kilometers to bring our family drinking water?" And today more women are choosing to be independent and single. Like someone said on Twitter, its better to be single and alone than be alone in a relationship.

I am now waiting with bated breath for the "FEMINIST" word and the like to be attached to me. Having an opinion about something also means I am opinionated, BTW :) That said, I would also give the benefit of doubt to someone who believes opining and being opinionated mean the same.

Anyway I'll humbly suggest this. If you are a man or a woman. Pursuing a career that you wanted, working on getting the lifestyle you aspire or simply doing that which you set out to do and most importantly, if you are happy doing all that, don't let anyone, ever, make you feel guilty.

I will also add that to find out if you are happy doing the things you are currently doing you would need to spend time with yourself or talk to someone. It could be a co-passenger on your next trip somewhere, the kind of people you suddenly get along with at random and ask them questions on things that may be running in your mind. (Of course, be careful with sharing personal information and all that, more so follow your gut instinct. Learn to heed it) I have also known that talking to a stranger also means that because they don't know you at all, they might end up lighting up a path. And I say lighting up a path because I feel that at any given point in time there are some roads that seem to have the floodlights on them and some roads which are completely buried in a thicket. Someone needs to show us that it exists.

Do what you want to do. Do what your heart tells you to do. Be happy. Guilt-free.

P.S.: On a slightly different note, you may also want to read this article. 

Sometimes all that one needs to do is ask questions. And thereafter, the listening is a lovely experience.

A quote that I read in Katie Couric's book goes something like, 'you never learn anything if you were going to be listening only to yourself speak". Yes, these are not the exact words and I am unable to find the book in the growing pile I have so that I can reproduce it here verbatim *and* attribute it to the person by whom these words were spoken. 

Lately all that I am doing is asking people questions. About decisions they take and the choices they make. Trying to understand my own belief systems and seeing where I stand. I have come across some beautifully carefree souls.  Selfless ones. And I take away a lot of lessons from each conversation. 

A friend told me to be "selfish enough to be happy". Another told me to "speak out what you have in your heart". Sometimes, my friend says, we care too much about other people, what they think and more so, these 'people' are those we don't even know. So to say, these people are the "They" we speak of. "They" are no one in particular but they are omnipresent. However, it required a friend to bring into perspective that we are giving an omnipresent quality to those who dont deserve it really. Yes, maybe you are doing something that a third person will frown upon. But does your action give you happiness? However, no judging here. I'm not going into the "true happiness" "spiritual happiness" or "conscientious happiness" or the happiness that comes from "not hurting others"... you know, you get the drift. 

We don't allow ourselves to be happy most times. And should we not sit with ourselves and decide what it is that makes us happy? More often that not the answer won't lie in material aspects. It might be in spending time by yourself somewhere. Or anything at all. When was the last time you found out what you wanted? Did you spend time with yourself to find out if you were doing things that make you happy? Most importantly, without judging yourself. The biggest punishment we give ourselves is the judgment we pass on what we can/cannot/should/shouldnt/ought to do. Forget about passing judgments on others. Cannot do this because XYZ's aunt will think something.

One of the things I am trying to let go is my scathing judgments of myself. It would be good to give myself a break from my own acidic criticism. And yes, I am also realizing each day and reminding myself too, that I get to live as myself way once. And inspite of the limitations that I have in this lifetime, I am really not going to sprain my brain too much about general views and viewpoints. I did before. I definitely did. Not anymore. It is so not worth it. There are some things in myself that wont change. Certain ethics. Thank God for that.

But otherwise you know, when you die, who are you going to be answerable to? Are you going to lie there in the last moments of your life thinking that hey, you made good use of this time here on this realm and also had fun in the process or sigh that you led a life in a strait jacket you stitched around yourself, which I am sure others also put in a chain stitch or a cross stitch as they deemed convenient, living with as little movement that the jacket allowed? Of course I am sure there are people who are happy to lead a life like that, no judging there. But I guess what I am telling myself here and maybe to you, who read all these paragraphs to reach this line, that it is high time you chose to be happy. Doing the things you like. High time you lived. :) If you are, let me know, I'd be happy to take notes while I also go about my own journey.

Love. Live. Find the peace within. Its beautiful I hear.

Happiness...

The past several days have been peppered with conversations with people who are important to me. And conversations with the heart/mind I need to know best for my own good - my own... 

At some points in time, I feel the need to assess where I am.. assess what and how I feel a certain way about certain things.. my beliefs and core values. Assess, reassess and crystallize again. Have I changed.. transformed.. for the better or for worse? And also, what the "better" or "worse" means to me. Some of us may be lucky to find people who seem to be at similar situations or mental state as we are. It is good to talk about what your thoughts are and may I add, with people in whose company you know you are not being judged. And that comfort level you and I would have with perhaps one or two people. Or with no one at all. 

There might be times that we would have to learn some lessons on our own. Make some decisions without looking outside. Answer some questions ourselves. By knowing the one person that is most important for us to know - ourselves. How well do we know ourselves?
 

There was this quote I read somewhere, that we don't like spending time with ourselves because we are afraid of being alone with ourselves. We'd be better off knowing someone else than ourselves. Stand in front of a mirror. And look into your own eyes. Are you able to look into your own eyes? Or are you afraid?

So this friend was telling me, make every moment count. And its upto you to make a beautiful memory. To choose to be happy. At the end of it all, when we leave this realm, we'd perhaps be better off, that we did something than regretting having not done something. 

Live. This moment. Question yourself. Find your answers. Be honest with yourself. And take that leap within. It might be slightly scary at first. But when we surface, we'd have a new vision. Not just plain sight. 

Facing abuse and a backlash of rumours

Beginning January 2011 somehow I had been at the receiving end of a lot of abusive tweets from people, who predominantly tweeted in the Tamil language. Initially I ignored them. In some instances I thought I could tell them not to indulge in derogatory language and believed they would understand. Here I made my first mistake. I hadn't begun to know the behaviour of some people on Twitter yet.

Here are some compilations made by someone in the past few days. 

http://www.use.com/0579a6a74773f1b6118e#photo=1

http://www.use.com/4e7dc4e89a8177d49ad2?p=2#photo=4

After a point I started blocking them. It didn't end there. New people would jump in and Rajan leaks would either be retweeted in which I will be tagged or I will be tagged in tweets they had sent to Rajanleaks. And I was known as the famous singer who blocked anyone who tweeted in Tamil. This became a campaign : "Chinmayi is against Tamilians on Twitter". The numbers began increasing and was predominantly instigated. Otherwise I don't see why people would generally join together for a 'cause (!)' like this. Manthiramoorthy alias @thalapathy_8787 also wrote a huge blog about me which ended with "I will marry a better figure than you". Apparently he wants to be directing films and had approached my mom through someone stating he would like to get married to me. Mom refused.

March 10 2012 saw Mr Mahesh Murthy publish this article

After this description about me "Chinmayi who, you’ll ask, and Chinmayi Sripada would be the equally puzzling answer. This babe from south of the Vindhyas is less known for her playback singing and more for her meticulously updated online diary of every single thought she’s ever had", he had also made a pretty insulting description about Shreya Ghoshal, which was subsequently removed after she tweeted to him openly too. The comments section will reveal that a lot of her fans were plain irritated with the way she was written about. 

Now I tweeted to Mr Mahesh Murthy asking on what basis he wrote that I am less known as a singer and more as a blogger. Yes I could have mailed him. But I also asked, of all people he had to include rajanleaks in this huge line-up as the sole representative of the Virtual Tamil World? His timeline was filled with profanity about most public personalities and how, in God's name was he more influential than the veteran Tamil poets and writers on Twitter. I stated Madhan Karky was on Twitter whose tweets were read by at least 10 times more people than Rajan on a daily basis and how did Rajan become a person of huge influence? He definitely said it was a personal opinion. The article also expressly states that. And then he finally said "I am not journalist from paid media owned by you (Parthiv) or Chinmayi to do your bidding about @rajanleaks or other issues". Insinuating this "paid media" with regard to me, in my opinion was very wrong, but we left it at that. Parthiv was one of the fans of Shreya Ghoshal and I who argued with him asking him to substantiate how he came up with these numbers/data.

I don't regret this conversation with Mr Murthy though. I wanted to ask him why he came with this article the way he did. This irritated the people who were already up in arms against me, to no end. Rajanleaks started #AsingapattalChinmayi where there were some who did go up and ask that he shouldn't tweet "Asignapattal" about a girl. And the standard response to such people would be, "Why is Chinmayi your girlfriend?"(This is just a decent way of saying it). I don't know if women dared speak to him.

The introduction to these guys happen in a very rude manner, explained later in this post.

In the meanwhile I continued to block some tweeters. Mom and I also continued to take the advice of several people in the print and TV media, the industry and several others about what I was facing on Twitter and why this could happen. 

In addition I was accused of supporting one political party or the other because I refused to cow down to any of their abusive tweets on political leaders masquerading as "satire". 

I have been widely accused of saying things against the TN Fishermen and supporting the genocide of the SriLankan Army. 

I had posted the following tweets on January 26 and 27, 2011.

   

Even to those who alleged that I said something insensitive about Fishermen, I wonder which one of these can be termed insensitive.

On the 28th January @maamallan (after reading all my tweets on 26th and 27th January) said "Beti tum meen khata hai..." and I responded "There is nothing I can do but tweet. Or blog. Please channel your energies in writing to the authorties also" "naanga uyirgala kolradhum illa, thunburutharavanga illa (torture by keeping them in an aquarium) PETA Supporter."  I have not even said "meen" (fish) in this tweet.

However Maamallan seemed to have told a few people, right after I lodged a complaint earlier this month and Cartoonist Bala (I am told) was the first mouthpiece to spread this story amongst his readers. This spread like wildfire. With a lot of people threatening me with dire consequences. 

We had expected this to happen.

Now he made fun of me being a vegetarian. I get a lot of that on Twitter or real life. I replied in a similar vein. Here is the tweet flow.

 However it was twisted and presented as though "Naan uyirgala thunburutharavanga.." was the response for Save Tamilnadu Fisherman. 

And here is the tweet dated January 26 2011 where @maamallan has tweeted to someone else. These are more or less the words he accuses me of saying. Cartoonist Bala propagated this on Facebook.

Now after Rajan tweeted "Meenava meena kolra.... Chinmayi 2010 il" A lot of people believed that I said this.

The source of the words tweeted by Rajan is this website http://www.vinavu.com/2009/09/10/nramayanam/ (Thanks to Mr Nadarajan who mailed me two days back, based on a mail part of it reproduced here "மீனவர்கள் மீன்களைக் கொல்கிறார்களே அதனால் அவர்களையும் இலங்கைக் கடற்படை கொல்லலாம்" என சின்மயி பேசியதாகச் சொல்கிறார்கள். அவர் அதை மறுத்திருக்கிறார். "மீனவர்கள் மீன்களைக் கொல்கிறார்களே அதனால் அவர்களையும் இலங்கைக் கடற்படை கொல்லலாம்" என்ற இந்த வசனம் 'இந்து' என்.ராம் பேசுவதாக 'வினவு' இணையத்தில் 2009ல் வெளியாகிய 'என் ராமாய ணம்' என்ற வீதி நாடகப் பிரதியில் வருகிறது.

அந்த வசனத்தையே சின்மயியை பழிதீர்க்க பயன்படுத்தியிருக்கிறார்கள் என நினைக்கிறேன்."

The #TNFisherman hashtag mostly contained abuse about politicians, because perhaps they ran out of ways to make the topic trend and they wanted the national media to take note of this serious issue. Many were agitated that national media was not reporting the death of fishermen. Starting a topic like this and making it trend would mean it would be covered by national media, they thought. When I opened the topic, I saw tweets by the very people I blocked. I didn't want my tweet to figure under a tweet which referred to a political leader in  vulgar terms. Nevertheless I had already posted a tweet sending out prayers.

Not many except 3-4 of my followers from Facebook who accompanied us knew that Mom and I regularly volunteereed in a fishing village near Chennai not too long after the Tsunami. We'd be there every Sunday. She went more often than I did, because on several days, work would keep me away. We still have the miniature Catamaran they gave us. 

Cartoonist Bala's "headline" for the article on me on his Facebook page was "Tamizhargal mugathil kaarithuppum chinmayi yai kandikkiren". A lot of people, going by the reputation (?) he has already built, believed him blindly. Now how in God's name did I kaarithuppify on Tamils?

BTW efforts are on to prove I am originally a Malayali, Telugu, Kannadiga and Oriya by various people. :p

Now I hardly understand what the basis of his "sensational" article was. Perhaps this was a way to get more hits to his page. He belongs to a Tamil magazine and all that he needed to do, before publishing this was ask us if all this were true. He failed to do that. If some random person posted content on Facebook like "Krishna Tamil Tiger" "Aham Brahmasi" -( said "you may show proof, but I have better photoshop experts. Wait and see what I do with your photographs. I ll make you regret this. Better take the case against my friend back") and also Anbalagan Veerappan, posted messages, they wouldn't want to know my side of the story. But Mr Bala holds a position that comes with the responsibility of at least attempting to know the truth. He didn't. Since the day I questioned him, he has been hiding and posting this particular 'article' on his page according to his will and pleasure. This article does a hide and seek every once in a while. I am sure it will be posted again some time in the future.

If some Tamil tweeter supported me, their accounts are hacked.

Tamil Aman on Facebook left the same comment on every post asking the same question even AFTER I clarified in a post on my facebook page, written in Tamil saying I did not say anything against Tamilians/ Fishermen or Srilankan Tamils. Here is the screenshot

Now this guy, for his own publicity stunt went about saying "Chinmayi agrees" to the reply which said Ongala special a tag panni, (fishermen ku edhira onnum sollalannu) sonna dhan puriyuma?) (Do I need to specifically tag you and say I have not said anything against TN Fishermen and would you understand only then?)

I am amazed at this man's devious brains because he just put one screenshot and said oh She said she is against Tamilian Fishermen. He is just one of the several. I am sure there are many more. Either these guys have brains that don't work well, or they work in such a fashion to think about some of the smartest ways to make someone look guilty.

Puthiya Thalaimurai debated the issue of my going to the police. Kiruba Shankar, Ms Nirmala Kotravai and Manushya Putran were panelists. My mother called in when someone told her (I didn't watch the show, I was out dubbing. Mom was watching via the web and she called in) Ms Nirmala happened to mention to my mother if you are against vulgarity ask your daughter not to sing a song like Mayya Mayya. She also is said to have mentioned she has personally received several such abuses. But she had ignored them. But I had gone to the police/press because of an "ego issue".

It was sad that she trivialized it. Here I am facing the brunt of something I had not even said - accused of hurting Tamil sentiments when I had done nothing like that - and she pronounced it an ego issue.  I wasn't aware of Ms Kotravai before this. I hear she is an activist. She also mentioned she has ignored tweets like this. Its fine to ignore tweets/calls/EMails which I have been getting, ever since I became a playback singer (I guess I have to clarify: 2002 onwards calls/SMS/EMails/comments on my blog, After twitter came along, tweets), but when it becomes this ugly, I'd be a fool to not seek help. We had been discussing this issue ever since it began, with several journalists, friends and those in authority. Trying to find out how serious it can get.

Not to mention @sharankay had also tweeted the same words "Chinmayi cannot sing a song like mayya mayya and ruin the society".  (As though their vulgarity is going to cleanse the society)

@Athisha's also tweeted I have said the Meenava tweet and he works in Puthiya Thalaimurai (I completely understand that he may have not even been involved in the team that put together this show that debated my issue at all)

"மீன்களை மீனவர்கள் கொல்லுகிறார்கள். மீனவர்களை இலங்கை கடற்படை கொல்கிறது. இதில் தப்பென்ன? #அருமையான தத்துவம்." 

We first went to Cyber Crime in March, when I tweeted I coming to Coimbatore for a concert.

* Chinnatha is the nickname given to me.

Now the conversation continued to "she'll never be able to sing anywhere again". Now, after a tweet like that, we didn't know whether they could be serious or joking. Yes, they could definitely be joking. But what if they were serious about this? What if the organizers were put to trouble? We had to seek help but also added to the authorities the same and also that we don't want to avenge anyone. 

We had requested them many times. Actually mom did. Here is a long tweet she posted

http://www.twitlonger.com/show/gmv45b

She also spoke to a few people over the phone requesting them. As they ceased to be part of this bullying, those who wanted to abstain would be in turn be bullied to "join.. or else..."

And I posted this http://www.twitlonger.com/show/jnt8q8 after which "Tamil Aman" mentioned above asked did you speak against the Fishermen? Now after this, everyone wanted an individual reply. If I didn't, they would start off on posts and tag everyone in their circle. 

I also realize now that they'll probably come up with something new. Each day. 

As for the reservation my response was to ONE girl who said she couldn't get a seat inspite of her marks as she was in the OC and her parents didn't make enough to buy her a medical seat. Empathising with her was the crime which hurt the sentiments of several people.

When I said "so called inferior people" (Added: Thaazhthpattavargal was a word I had misunderstood as the Tamil word for "inferior" and I didn't know that it was a word to denote the oppressed. Someone had tweeted to me even during the 'argument' saying I am wrongly using inferior and inferior-ized. This tweet came from someone who understood what I meant and what I wrote and pointed out the mistake. I have only repeated that I had wrongly interchangeably used thaazhndhavargal and thaazhthapattvargal a million times to Rajan or his sympathizers. I also said that it would be better if I tweet in English so that I don't say the wrong word again. My argument was that there is no such thing as an inferior man). However this tweet and the other tweets that I wrote are missing from the compilation.  - I meant that I don't understand why anyone would be called inferior. How is anyone inferior was the question. There cannot be inferior people I argued. All human beings are superior creations. Now I was a fool talking philosophical words to someone who didn't want to get it at all. And I had no idea that all my words will be distorted. 

(Not to mention my Facebook page now has a lot of Anti Brahmin Slogans with details on how Periyaar said a snake has poison only in its fangs but a 'Brahmin' has poison all across his body)

There is also a compilation of the tweets on one blog. Carefully edited, tweets posted out of context as replies and this was the same conversation that contained "You need to be raped.." . I m not surprised that this particular tweet along with others were Rajan repeated "naan madha/jaadhi veriyan" throughout the 140 characters are also missing. 

I have always maintained I wish for an equal society. I debated the two tumbler system on Live Radio on Aahaa FM, manual scavenging and men cleaning sewers manually even after court orders, 4 years back. I said on radio there is no such thing as a superior or an inferior man. Every man is a superior creation. 

How is it that the same people who believe caste should not exist and are against the caste system, kept abusing me citing mine? How is that fair? Of course, all this is happening because a good number of people lack the sense of fairness. "Why are all singers Brahmins?" "Why do reality show contestants speak like Brahmins?"" Why are brahmins here, why are brahmins there?" 

I have maintained that I don't know how a Brahmin is defined. Yudhishtra says conduct makes one a Brahmin, not birth in his tryst with Lord Yama. (Amar Chitra Katha). The one that walks the path to know the supreme being, towards enlightenment is the one who is a Brahma-chari. The story of Chokha Mela - God has proved to man each time that there is no such thing as a low caste by identifying himself not to the priest in the temple but the man sadly denounced as an untouchable. God only recognizes the one who treats all beings equally as his greatest devotee (Rantideva - Devotees of Vishnu, Amar Chitra Katha). Why should I identify something that is created by man? I have never trivialized someone's suffering. Never would I ever intend to.

It is heart rending to read the accounts of people who have had their "spirits broken" (the words in quotes were the very words of a friend of mine) by those who believed they are of a higher "birth". I wonder what makes one set of people believe they are greater than fellow human beings. Aren't we all conceived and born the same way? Did some people drop down from the heavens, as a full grown adult? Women were not allowed to be educated because an educated woman would mean her husband would die young they said, not too far before, just around 1940-s. It was all convenient for a lot of people to create such ideas and for others to follow them.

An oppressed caste woman is raped and her case is not even lodged which is also reported in the news. I tweet about that. However, this is overlooked. Discrimination is still continuing in this age where we believe education has seeped through society, people have become forward in their thoughts. But no. So many haven't. It is distressing to know that. 

In these 2 years I have learned all (That is all, I hope) the profane words and adages people have for a set of women starting with "paapaara....". Now that the fishermen issue cannot be taken forward, the reservation issue will be taken up and it shall do the rounds. And people will again take the name of a caste and say "Thimuru". 

Also Rajans and Saravana Kumars are entitled to say whatever they want because they have the Right to Speech.

Finally so many public personalities in Tamilnadu have been accused of hurting Tamil sentiment, misquoted and also told that they are not Tamil at all. I shall refrain from taking names here, but they have all been really big stars. I wonder if I'll ever be there. But never in my dreams did I believe that a few people would gang up and put in so much time on all this propaganda against me. Sadly, but not surprisingly, people believe them. 

As of today (I started saying at the end of it all, and realized it ain't over yet), I have realized one thing. I can just sit in one place, not say a thing. But even then I could be in the eye of a new storm. I also do wish the underlying motive behind all this would be brought to the fore. Why would random people make up stories like this?

I pray with all my heart for justice.

When I usually open the 'compose' page on my blog, I have the words running through my mind. At least a couple of paragraphs would have marque-ed in my mind's eye before I see this blank canvas, ready to spill out through the keyboard. 

Today however, I did feel the urge to write but for once I didn't know what about. The rains have in their wake a stillness that I sometimes romance in my mind. Only wish the stillness were in my spirit too. You know, all the divine romance thing, I spoke earlier about. Sometimes being a restless spirit is nice. But sometimes, I visualize gazing long into a silent, shimmering lake, sprinkled with moonlight, seated on a wrought iron bench in a lovely lawn. Perhaps just before dawn. When it is rumoured to be the darkest. And then it would be nice to see the silver streaks replaced by liquid gold flowing down from the skies and on to the surface of the lake. Fresh morning air and a promise of brightness, hope, clarity that each dawn promises to bring. 

The promise of a new day. Perhaps a day that shall usher in a crystal clear mind that shall not be rippled even when several stones are hurled at its waters.

And for that day, I wait.

Baking Love!

Observations and role reversals

You know, when we were children, our parents protected us, safeguarded us, cared for us......well you know all that they do. I dont really need to list it all out. But I see there comes a time when we realize that a role reversal happens. There comes a time when we realize we need to fight battles for the ones that fought battles for us. Don the armour and brandish swords maybe. Dramatic no? But then even if I have gotten carried away there I somehow feel its true.

Mom has been a go-to person for several people at various junctures in life. For the way she has brought me up, the struggles she faced alone, and standing tall with integrity, dignity and a head held naturally high because there was really no reason to lower her head except at the altar. But then I am the kind that takes pride in saying that if God were to stand in front of me I'd look at him eye-to-eye and ask him a few questions. Most and if not all, on behalf of mom.

I have noticed one common thing in several celebs lives. The one family member who is involved in management gets a lot of flak. For something or the other. The thing js the world will counsel you to get an outsider. I mean seriously, an outsider will care for you wayy more than uour parents is it? And I am speaking of decisions I made, (my field, workdpace, et al. No comments intended for anyone else's life/career) and wasnt too keen on having a manager. AND the entertainment / music industry is not ready for a manager in my opinion. No singer has a professional manager. If they do, it is family. I truly believe thats the best. There's absolutely no reason for an outsider to know your life. Afterall this thing called loyalty doesnt exist these days, no? The doctor discusses your medical history with someone else, (I knew of a psychiatrist who discussed his patients), the auditor the finances, your driver the movements, your househelp discusses your views on your entire family (if you discuss things in front of or with them, that is) thats all there is to it.

I have also seen that when hanky-panky is not possible with someone a good group will go about labeling them as difficult :) Better be difficult, than easy. No? :D

Coming back, yet again, somewhere in between I ventured into my usual tangential randomness.

So the thing is I think, from an observation of someone today, there does come a time the cubs will have to realize they are grown up enough to protect their parents and I m not just talking of the physical aspect of it.

I am quite kicked I ll have a chance to sing naan valarndhuttene mummy to mom someday. And no one. Dare. Mess. With. My. Mom. (Just asking, Does that sound menacing enough? :p)

Jokes apart, I hope you the reader will know, identify and act accordingly on a day that might come when you need to stand up for your parents and go out, all guns blazing, if need be. Arent (i ll add, barring a few exceptions) our parents our best-est well wishers? And don't they deserve the care that only us children can give them?

And on another tangential note I wish no elderly person ever be unhappy and away from their children against their will, and in a retirement home. And I wish that every elder is taken care of and that every family in the world be happy. And that they all live happily ever after. Tathaastu.

A muted expression

One of the most important things any person in a public domain is told is to watch this and watch that. I mean, everyone has phones with a video recording facility. And there are twerps who install cameras in restrooms and upload them on YouTube. So much so that when we travel abroad on concerts, we don't stay at hotels.

And also, I learn that the fundamental right to expression and speech really doesnt exist, more so for people who everyone watches. But true nonetheless for everyone. You cannot freely discuss something for the sake of argument/learning wondering if it would hurt some said sentiment somewhere. 

Sometimes I ReTweet a link so that people (whoever is interested) could read an opinion about something. Now depending on sensitivity or perceived sensitivity, I would immediately get warnings, be careful, or you'll be trolled. Now I think I could have a masters degree on being trolled, especially because, I belong to a certain 'caste'. Its amazing how uneducated people are inspite of their NRI status.

 

Nonetheless I am just thinking/realizing that there really isn't anything called freedom of speech.  Not with your friends/family. One will only have freedom of thought. You can think whatever you want. We just need to watch how we (if we do at all) verbalize it into words. 

Lifetimes are spent, without expressing what we want to. We fade in. And we fade out.

And maybe even the concept of freedom is imaginary. Unless and until one is a realized soul. Only they have the good fortune after hours of practice, to be truly free. 

For most where self-realization is not achieved, life perhaps passes by and is lived, with the mute button on, in most cases.

A divine romance...

Sometimes this thing called divine romance is well, romantic. To romance the idea of being free of attachments and being one with the supreme being. The romance of imagining the freedom, bliss perhaps that may come as a result of one such thing. The concept of chinmaya. The supreme wisdom and realization that results in profound joy. Nirvana also I guess.

Or one can romance the idea of living in a guile-less, deceit-less, pure, crystal clear world. Where green is the sparkling, bright, green that heals the eye and fairies fly near humans. Where morning dew is sprinkled with fairy dust and a rose with a scent heady enough to drench the surrounding town.

Sometimes I imagine floating up, into the inky sky speckled with stars, in the hope of finding that stillness. A stillness I really not know of but might be able to identify when I come face to face with it.

There are times I romance the tears, for there is no such thing as heavy while it rolls down your cheek, perhaps in a solitary trickle. Perhaps in two or three. And no such thing as the lightness it leaves behind as it dries out. 

There are times when I romance the fabled bliss that saints seem to have achieved. High up in the lofty Himalayas.

And there are times I romance the mountains, times I romance the lakes, times that I romance the imagination of watching the fast and furious world from outer space. 

I romance being away from myself. Far away and just watching this human being walking around in the name of Chinmayi. Doing all that she is supposed to do. 

Quite recently mom and I decided to do away with the concept of a Pooja room. After all, rituals are perhaps one of the first levels in God realization. There has to be a point where one has enough focus and concentration to do the pooja in your mind. My romance with temples and religious sites will never end.

The other day reading how Krishna explains the concept of Maya in an Amar Chitra Katha (Tales of Narada) made me think how weird it is. What we own, owns us. Ain't it? Or does it? 

Having read enough and more literature on past life regression on how people feel in the after-life, or even other than that, I am one of those people who speaks very nonchalantly of death. I mean I think its a liberating concept, based on all the literature I have read. And also based on some of our own scriptures that all this life and death thing is a cycle. Apparently even in the Tarot, drawing the card of Death usually means a new beginning is around the corner. 

But more than anything else I guess I romance the idea of the pitch perfect note and the truth in it. And truth itself. The agony would be in the wait though. The wait for the truth. And liberation.